It was kinda like a bottle slowly being filled then overflowing.
I always hated the shunning. I was shunned in school.
Not for being a witness kid, but for not being rich enough. It was private Montessori school for the elite, so yeah two places where the elite-minded mingle. Filipinos, even witnesses, look down on the uneducated. There is a weird cult phenomenon here btw.
Anyway. I remember trying to comfort two sisters during the meetings right before it was announced they were df'ed. There was one time I was trying to talk to a brother (I had a crush on his fleshly brother) during a meeting, only to find out he was dfed later on. I wasn't baptised at the time the brother and one of the sisters were dfed, but I do remember my parents trying to keep me from talking to them. Nowadays, I smile at them when I see them, and sometimes I "bump" into them to apologise and smile.
On the other hand, what really opened me up to accepting that may not be the truth, besides the internet, was the death of the sister that studied me.
I remember being angry, cheated, and just plain distraught that I struggled with really dark thoughts for months. Doesn't help that I eventually lost contact with internet friends because I realised that they were toxic and they kinda bought out the worst in me.
Fiction comforted me more than the brothers and sisters at the congregation did. The thought of living forever via body decomposing and the energy going into the soil then to plants and to animals comforted me more than forever in paradise did. Spending time with my pet comforted me a lot as well. Eventually, the doubts I had since I was younger came up again, and it didn't surprise me that there was a part of me that didn't believe this anymore. The more I searched about the world around me (particularly the lgbtqa community) the more I realise that the wtbts was out of touch of the reality about the world. I was just glad I had worldly friends that I can rant to.
For the last year, I've been fantasising about either fading out or disassociating, then I decided if there were tips on how to leave the org two weeks ago, then I found apostate sites.
Now here I am. Mentally out and my parents know but decided to keep it secret from the cong (dad is an elder).